Next Year's Diary

Next Year’s Diary

is virginal, bristling
with possibilities,
will be filled full -
appointments made (and kept),
birthdays remembered ,
deadlines met.

And somewhere
amongst the pages,
the date - the very hour
my life turns around
so I will say:
this was the year
that was the day.

Our Year is Dying

 Fumie Sasabuchi , porcelain skull with vine

thither
by Samuel Beckett
 
thither
a far cry
for one
so little
fair daffodils
march then

then there
then there

then thence
daffodils
again
march then
again
a far cry
again
for one
so little

Rush Hour

Since it's Boxing Day , Sunday and nary a shop open , you wouldn't expect the town to be busy .

But Leeuwarden was out en masse this weekend ....

I just took a little stroll . It's forty years since I've skated anywhere so I have a feeling I'd have to start again from scratch .

****************************************************

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The 25TH

24 Ways to Christmas – A Quiz Just For You

 

Oh, it’s been a while.  According to (some) blogger etiquette, I’m not supposed to remind you of that,  but I wanted to say that I’ve missed being here.  Having been well-occupied with children and domestic Canadian life, writing has dropped to the bottom of the priority list.  This is unfortunate but due to be addressed as soon as December 25th is just a memory.  In the meanwhile, here’s a little something to stir up your brain cells.  

If I were diabolical,  I would post this on Christmas Night, when everybody’s brain is in a fog from too much food and drink.    However, since I will be in the same state and wouldn’t remember to do that, they’re going up now. 

Each phrase is a clue to a well-known Christmas carol.  Good luck!  (Answers will be posted….later.  When depends on how desperate you get!) 

♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of all who are loyal in their belief.

2. Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.

3. Nocturnal time-span of unbroken quietness

4. An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good, given to the celestial sphere

5. The Christmas preceding all others

6. Small municipality in Judea, south of Jerusalem.

7. Diminutive masculine master of skin covered percussionistic cylinders.

8. Omnipotent, Supreme Being who elicits respite to ecstatic distinguished males.

9. The first person normative plural of a triumvirate of Far Easter n heads of state.

10. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of crystallized vapour.

11. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of mother nature’s dormancy

12. 12 Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant cups

13. In a distant location, the existence of an improvised unit of a newborn’s slumber furniture.

14. Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological formation

15. Quadruped with a crimson probiscus

16. Adorn the vestibule

17. Cherubim audited from aloft

18. Hallowed Post-Meridian

19. Fantasia of a colourless December 25

20. A dozen 24 hour Yule periods

21. Befell during a transparent witching hour

22. Desire a pair of incisors on the day of Natal celebration

23. I spied my maternal parent osculating Father Christmas

24. Joyful Yuletide desired for the second person singular, by us!

 

To all my blogger friends, I wish a joyful Christmas and all best wishes for the New Year.

24 Ways to Christmas – A Quiz Just For You

 

If I were diabolical,  I would post these on Christmas Night, when everybody’s brain is in a fog from too much food and drink.    However, since I will be in the same state and wouldn’t remember to do that, they’re going up now.  Each phrase is a clue to a well-known Christmas carol.  Good luck!  (Answers will be posted….later.  Depends how desperate you get.)

1. Move hitherward the entire assembly of all who are loyal in their belief.

2. Listen, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds.

3. Nocturnal time-span of unbroken quietness

4. An emotion excited by the acquisition or expectation of good, given to the celestial sphere

5. The Christmas preceding all others

6. Small municipality in Judea, south of Jerusalem.

7. Diminutive masculine master of skin covered percussionistic cylinders.

8. Omnipotent, Supreme Being who elicits respite to ecstatic distinguished males.

9. The first person normative plural of a triumvirate of Far Easter n heads of state.

10. Obese personification fabricated of compressed mounds of crystallized vapour.

11. Geographic state of fantasy during the season of mother nature’s dormancy

12. 12 Tintinnabulation of vacillating pendulums in inverted, metallic, resonant cups

13. In a distant location, the existence of an improvised unit of a newborn’s slumber furniture.

14. Proceed forth declaring upon a specific geological formation

15. Quadruped with a crimson probiscus

16. Adorn the vestibule

17. Cherubim audited from aloft

18. Hallowed Post-Meridan

19. Fantasia of a colourless December 25

20. A dozen 24 hour Yule periods

21. Befell during a transparent witching hour

22. Desire a pair of incisors on the day of Natal celebration

23. I spied my maternal parent osculating Father Christmas

24. Joyful Yuletide desired for the second person singular, by us!

 

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Be Good To Your Pets.

Pets are an important part of the lives of many of us, and we will all be tempted to spoil them just a little bit
by giving them  a "treat". It might be a good idea to remember that there are forbidden foods which we should never give our pets at any time:



Macadamia nuts can cause poisoning and are often found in biscuits.

Raisins, sultanas and grapes can be poisonous to pets as they potentially contain a fungal toxin. NO christmas pudding or mince pies for your dog please, not even a little leftover bit.

Onions and garlic contain a chemical which can damage the red blood cells and create skin issues in dogs.

Chocolate and caffeine are highly dangerous as they contain high levels of stimulants such as theobromine and caffeine. Watch those low flying chocolate ornaments and a box of chocolates left where the dog can reach them. You know he will scoff the lot.

Stuffing and cream have also been known for making cats and dogs ill because of their high fat content.


This is advice I was given by a Vet.
Happy Christmas!

What's In My Head Just Now .

Sometimes , fairly often to be honest , I wish that my job involved something more interesting than preventing wholesale destruction before elevenses or coaxing the mute to talk . Then I get a present from a child who's off to the primary school and it all seems worthwhile ........ not least because my job does not involve carving almond soap into roses .

It's snowed again , the way it does , and the train service is gearing up to leave thousands of passengers stranded , far from their holiday destinations . But I'm encouraged to see that the wait won't be quite so arduous this year . Our local station has installed a small ice-rink with free skate hire and pea soup .

Meanwhile

I tend not to go to parties any more , unless press ganged , but if I did , I realise I'd be horribly overdressed

Stolen treasure, or The Sin of Gluttony

There is a Family Story about Little June and Cookies. 

One Saturday morning I woke up earlier than everyone else in the house. I had been thinking, all night long, about the package of fudge-striped cookies that Mom and Dad had bought during the Friday night shopping excursion. I wanted to engulf those cookies. I wanted to binge on those cookies.

I stole downstairs, retrieved the unopened package from the breadbox and carefully, carefully opened the brittle and crackly wrapping at the end. I slid the plastic tray out of the clear plastic. 

I pulled out one cookie and took a bite. It was good. 

I heard my sister's feet hit the floor upstairs. 

I looked around, frantic to find a hiding place. The best I could do was behind-the-big-red-chair in the livingroom, and I tiptoed there rapidly . . . my sister was coming down the stairs at a good pace . . . and folded myself up into the smallest object I could be, the entire package of cookies clutched to my chest. I believe I started on a second cookie. I knew she would hear me . . . I tried to be still but couldn't, so I tried to take small inaudible bites. 

The cookies were rather crunchy, though.

I saw her feet at the livingroom door, her bony intrusive ankles bare below the hem of her nightgown. She stood still. I could tell she was scenting the air, trying to locate me. I peeked up from below the ridge of my brow and saw her scanning the room.
I shouldn't have looked; somehow my gaze attracted her attention and she zeroed in on me. She saw me there, with MY cookies, and laughed. I had to get up and pretend that I hadn't planned to eat the whole package. I put them back in the breadbox. I had only had, maybe, three. Hardly the satisfying glut I had hoped for. 

My sister told that story every blasted time she got the chance, and I never got over the feelings of 

(a) disappointment that I had been deprived of my secret pleasure and

(b) embarrassment at my compulsion-to-engulf and my failure to find a better hiding place!

Afternoon boss is on vacation, and he crept in last night while no one was there and left a ziploc bag of homemade Italian anise cookies on my desk.

. 

Most of my coworkers all work in different offices on a different floor. One same-office coworker was there for a brief time and he took the bag upstairs to one of the offices and shared with the woman there. And then he brought the bag back, where they belonged . . . to me!

I snacked on those cookies all afternoon, all the time thinking I should take them upstairs to pass around, knowing that the people to whom I would offer them would decline: They are all self-disciplined, and thin.

Four o'clock arrived and the cookies had all . . . gone away.

The woman who'd had one, tattletale! . . . and a woman who would have declined came to say goodbye for the day.

The decliner said, "What's this about cookies?" (I truly think her question was preceded by "Fee, fie, fo, fum!" but perhaps not.)

I looked at her miserably. Caught again. 

Again!

"Where are they?" she asked.

I looked down at my midsection and ran my palms over its soft little bulge.

"I can't be left alone with these things!" I keened.

I'd like to say that next time I'll hurry to offer them around before I feel that creeping sense of ownership.

Next time . . . next time . . .

I'll hide them before anybody sees the things.

True Story

An acquaintance was driving along a windy little country lane and going into a long S-bend with hardly any visibility when a car driven by a women came towards him, totally on the wrong side of the road.

They just managed to miss each other, not least due to his excellent reactions.

As they passed each other she shouted :"PIG".

Furious, he shouted back: "BITCH".

Coming out of the bend seconds later he almost hit a large pig in the middle of the road.

On the topic of weird label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestions: Defrost.
Printed on the bottom of Tesco Tiramisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down.
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On a toboggan:
Beware: Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.
On a knife sharpener:
Caution: knives are sharp.
On shin pads for cyclists:
Shin guards cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
On a take away coffee cup:
Caution: Hot beverages are hot.
Emergency safety procedures at a US summer camp:
In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly.
In a microwave oven manual:
Do not use for drying pets.
On the back of a pilot's seat in a Nato aircraft:
Seat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.
On the bottom of a cola bottle:
Do not open here.
On a Harry Potter wizards broom:
This broom does not actually fly.
On a box of aspirin:
Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
On a bottle of laundry detergent:
Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.
On a muffin packet:
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.
In a kettle instruction manual:
The appliance is switched on by setting the 'ON/OFF' button to the 'ON' position.
On a ketchup bottle:
Instructions: Put on food.
On a bottle of rum:
Open bottle before drinking.
A car park sign:
Entrance only. Do not enter.
A sign in a street in Hong Kong:
Beware of people.
Rules on a tram in Prague:
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.
Sign on newly-renovated ramp entrance, USA:
Take care: new non-slip surface.
On a can of air freshener:
For use by trained personnel only.
On a bottle of baby lotion:
Keep away from children.
On a pair of socks bought in egypt:
Do not wash.
On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle:
Some assembly required.
On a can of pepper spray used for self defense:
May irritate eyes.
On a Frisbee:
Warning: may contain small parts.
In a car handbook:
In order to get out of car, open door, get out lock doors, and then close doors.
On a packet of cashew nut pieces:
Warning: This product may contain residue of nuts.
Directions for mosquito repellant:
Replacing battery: replace old battery with a new one.
On a birthday card for a one year old:
Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.
In a hotel bedroom:
Please do not turn on TV except when in use.
In a lift in a Japanese hotel:
Push this button in case anything happens.
On a toilet cleaning brush:
Do not use orally.
On a can of Spray paint:
Do not spray in your face.
On a TV remote:
Not Dishwasher safe.
On a blowtorch:
Not used for drying hair.
On a washing machine inn a launderette:
No small children.
On a bottle of hair dye:
Do not use as Ice Cream topping.
On a push along lawn mower:
Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.
On a box of fireworks:
Do not put in mouth.
On the packaging for a wrist watch:
Warning this is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.
In a dishwasher manual:
Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.
On a toaster:
Do not use underwater.
On a mattress:
Do not attempt to swallow.

And yet people end up in A&E with vacuum cleaner parts stuck up their bottoms (I have a friend who works in A&E). Have they not read the manual? There must be something about that in there. Don't you think?

From Now On , It's Online Or Nothing

Christmas shopping is easier to do , I find , if you go to a city of your choice , armed with a list , enough funds and stamina . If you do it in your own town , the temptation to slope off home (or to the library) is too great to resist and the whole thing becomes a saga without end .

So , well-armed , I got on a train going south on Saturday and sat sipping coffee , eating my ham roll , and admiring the landscape , lightly dusted with snow , out of the window .

Once in Utrecht , I set to work . An industrial quantity of mini-Lego was neatly gift-wrapped by a cheerful young man in a paper hat .The snow fell . Little independent shops yielded a large number of interesting little surprises, also beautifully gift-wrapped .The snow fell . I ate a delicious lunch . The snow fell . I decided to treat myself to a present or two , so walked along the canal to the quilt shop . The snow fall turned into a mini blizzard . On the way back , I passed a World Music shop and found a c.d. by a brilliant Spanish singer . The blizzard carried on blizzarding .

So , back to the station .

With everyone else who had spent the day in the city .

No trains . And I do mean NO trains .The concourse was packed with people , all staring at a totally blank Departure board .

After a while we all began to heave to and fro in search of information , coffee , a loo . Still nothing .

An hour later a train was announced , going north .

A huge number of us rushed to platform 12 and squeezed onto a train . And stood . And stood .

After 20 minutes we were all told to get off . As we struggled up the platform , we were flattened by a crowd rushing into our train , which seemed to have decided to go west instead .

15 minutes later they were told to get off again and they rejoined us on the concourse .

After an hour , a train was announced going to Amsterdam . WE CHEERED AS ONE !!!

I finally got home , hours later , and could sleep in my own bed , not the camp beds which seem to lie ready in huge piles , ready for just such eventualities in Utrecht .

But next year , if I can't buy it online , you're not getting it .

Serendipity

Look what I found on Old Lady Lincoln's blog a moment ago! Nice example of the Nanny State Mentality, with which much of our world seems to be afflicted at present! Do go and visit Lady L to read the rest of her amusing list of similar anomalies...

Warning Label!

On alphabet blocks: Not for children. Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

I can't think of anything either,

so I'm hoping you saw it here first.



HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently
for a short time and then went into the house… was gone only a minute,
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.


She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

_______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.


I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application ..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........