I Have A Feeling...

I should hold my hand up to this! Okay, Friko - let rip...I deserve all you can give me...

No Words Necessary

LATE EDITION. Okay - so words ARE needed. For non-Brits, an explanation may be found in the comments below..

Travelling Light

A lot of Dutch people have a rail card , which , for about 60 Euros annually , entitles them to a 40% discount on all off peak travel by train . Recently it has been possible to change it into a Smart Card for public transport with an inbuilt electronic purse ( rather like an Oyster card , but country-wide) .
Take up has been good but a few diehards , like Husband , haven't got round to it . Hence various ad campaigns , extolling the carefree ease of being able just to hop on a train without queueing for a ticket . This morning he got a card from the train company , reminding him just how an OV-chipkaart would simplify his every journey ....


He's not convinced .

The Saturday Snicker, two days late.

 

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Email from the Queen - an important announcement regarding the USA

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves, your constant warmongering and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!

Learning to bake a cake?

Forget it! Or take your Mum to the shop.

West Mercia Police will crack down hard on any youngsters seen with a box of eggs or a bag of flour. And if you try to plead ignorance and say you don't know what they are, they've even drawn you a helpful picture!

Still giving it the eye at 89

Conversation with Granny in hospital this afternoon:

Hi Granny - oh, they've moved you down the end of the ward!  Looking forward to going home next week?

No, I'm not.  I like it here.


Oh, that's strange.  Thought you said you wanted to go home. You were desperate to get home last week.  What's changed?

Nothing.  Nothing's changed.

FIVE MINUTES LATER.

I can see through that window now they've moved me to this bed.  I can see straight into the male ward.


Ah.  Things are a little clearer to me now, Gran....

The Saturday Snicker

 

"Sit" And "Heel" Is No Longer Enough

Already on the warpath over the non-payment of dog-tax , our Town Hall has found another jokey photo . This time for its anti-dog-poop crusade

So , if you're planning a move to Leeuwarden , please first make sure that Rex , Buster or Missy-woo can wield a rake and shovel . After all , if they get really handy at it , they can get a job with the Parks Dept. and pay their own tax .