The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the doctor an elderly friend asked: "How do I know if and when I should think of going to live in a care home?"

"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer the person a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to empty the tub."

"Right, I understand," my elderly friend said, glad that she knew the answer. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," the doctor answered,  "a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like to have a bed by the window?"

Etiquette Advice Needed

What's the correct form of address when meeting important spiders in one's hall ? Something more than a squeak seems called for .

Anyone for knitting?

Beware Of Bearing Gifts

If you're going to stay with people who love Spanish food , you'll be as delighted as I was to find the perfect hostess gift .... a selection of fuet ( a special sort of dried sausage ) by Campofrio , beautifully presented and packed on a wooden board .
Until , that is , you're going through the airport security check at the airport , when your carry-on case will raise eyebrows and you'll be discreetly called aside by a large security guard and a wiry woman in rubber gloves .
Had I packed the bag myself? Could I explain the presence of a knife in my luggage ?
"A WHAT? In my bag??"
So he turned the screen round and showed me a long , very thin , very pointy knife . Yes , it nestled , ready for instant use , between the sausages all still hermetically sealed in their presentation pack , the whole looking rather high on cholesterol , but otherwise harmless . Luckily I wasn't the first that week to have this in their luggage and he just removed the knife and gave the whole lot back to me to pack .
As I ran , red faced and mortified , down the corridor to gate H4 , I decided that any future foodie gifts would be limited to salty liquorice and a box of Merci chocs .

Never judge a man by his appearance

This afternoon I was in a shop that mainly sells farming equipment and animal feed and there were four big, bearded biker guys who were not interested in the chainsaw display or similar butch, testosterone raising products. No. They were seriously interested in (and don't ask me why this shop sells it, because it seems to be very out of place there) the display that is filled with, predominantly pink and lilac cake decorating materials.