When you eat with someone else, the calories do not count if they eat more than you.
Broken biscuits contain no calories, the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, e.g. hot chocolate for relaxation, brandy for fortification, toast and cheesecake as anti-depressants.
Food licked off cutlery or out of a bowl has no calories if you are following a recipe, e.g. butter icing on cake, the remains of scone mixture, cream for the top of a trifle.
TV and cinema food contain no calories as they are part of the whole entertainment package.
Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and mint ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate, water and a large gin and tonic.
Athletes eat huge amounts of pasta before races like the marathon. It's a myth that you have to run 26 miles to work it off. One brisk trot round the settee is quite sufficient to wipe out one bowl of spaghetti. Twice around the living room will use up so much energy that a chocolate bar is required to supplement your sugar level and rebuild your strength.
So there, feel better now?